Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
