there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
