I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
