she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
