i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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