I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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