We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
