i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
