I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
