AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
