why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
