can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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