so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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