After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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