You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
