I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
