Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
