he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad