every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
