I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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