you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
