i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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