one might say we're banned from that church
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
we should paint friendship bongs
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
