i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
