smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
