I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
