Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
