I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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