They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
