I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
