oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The Olympian is in my bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
