Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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