oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He did a backflip because drugs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
