if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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