ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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