you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
