I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
