I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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