there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
