but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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