she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
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She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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