and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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