Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
