he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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