I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
