New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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