Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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