Can Purell be used as lube?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
