shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
