And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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