oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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