Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize