im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
