i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
